i feel trapped. confused. lost. i need direction. i need inspiration. i feel restless— more so now than ever.

i feel like somehow i'm running out of time— as though i'm racing to find so many answers, and i'm stuck. i don't know which way to turn. i don't know which step to take, what decision to make first, and time is just passing me by — as i stand here, motionless, not knowing which way to turn.

i can't think. i almost don't want to think. i really believe that the constant absorption of television, the media, pop culture, technology — are truly the enemies of individual thought and inspiration. of creation..

it's like a bad habit that is hard to break. and it's just so easy to just lay on the fucking couch and soak in the words and images floating out of the tv rather than getting up and creating my own images or composing my own thoughts and ideas.

you get used to not doing it. you almost forget HOW to do it. and you don't know where to start.

i don't know.

i just hate when i feel like this. i feel the need to do something important or creative or profound and it's like i HAVE to do it or i'll shrivel up and die... and i just... can't.

it's so frustrating. i get up, turn off the tv, turn off the radio... *silence*... waiting for my brain to click on. but there's NOTHING... just that damn, deafening static of non-stop NOISE. no thoughts. no ideas. no grand epiphanies. my brain never clicks on. maybe i've killed it. it's like I forgot to water it or feed it for too long and now it's dead.

that's what i'm afraid of.

i guess this is a start. i just started typing. one word at a time. i think this is helping. i think it's also good that i'm learning HTML a little bit. my brain needs to learn something new. i need to turn off all of this damn NOISE inside my head and start thinking PRODUCTIVE thoughts.

i'm going to try to give my brain a week off of it's drug of choice- the constant, neverending rattle of information. maybe i'm overdosing.